Dainty Things: 03.2010

I recently read Pride Prejudice & Zombies. I've sort of got zombie fever. SHUT UP! It's better than scrawny teenage vampires who sparkle - fever... Here are some tips and tricks on how to survive the zombie apocalypse. Most of the info from [http://www.mahalo.com/how-to-survive-a-zombie-attack] with comments from me.

Step 1: Preparing for the Inevitable
EVERYONE will probably laugh at you when they find out you're preparing a plan to face the living dead, but Benjamin Franklin once said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" Applying Franklin's advice to the possibility of a zombie outbreak will not only set you well on your way to survival, but you'll also have a chance to act like a know it all prick when your unprepared friends and family come running.

Here's how you can make sure you're ready in the event of an outbreak:
1. Study as much as you can about zombie outbreaks so you are able to recognize one as early as possible.
2. Familiarize yourself with all of the local retailers that carry guns and ammo. (eg. Wal-Mart)
3. Map the quickest routes to the largest nearby retail centers like a grocery store, shopping mall or superstore. (eg. Wal-Mart)
4. Un-infested shopping malls and superstores like Wal-Mart or Target have potential for long-term survival for small groups of the living.
5. Since Zombies are easily destroyed by fire, keep an extra can of gasoline on hand.
6. Scope out local shelters and know their entrances. (This includes neighbors homes)
7. Get yourself a firearm and learn how to use it. - Remember the only way to stop a zombie target with a firearm is with a bullet to the brain, so practice, practice, practice! (On your neighbors... and people at Wal-Mart)
8. If possible, stockpile ammunition because you're going to need a lot of it.
9. Put together a zombie attack care-kit that includes things like batteries, flashlights, condoms, canned goods, an emergency radio and first aid kit.
Keep in mind that it's probably better if you don't mention to too many other people that you're preparing for a zombie outbreak. The last place you want to be during a zombie attack is locked up in a hospital mental facility. People infected with early strains of the zombie virus, Solanum, will flock to hospitals to find out what's wrong, and you'll wind up trapped in the eventual war zone.
Step 2: Know Your Enemy
No matter what kind of attack you face it is an essential battle strategy to know your enemy as well as you know yourself. As the living dead, zombies are a unique enemy. People often make the mistake of not taking them seriously because of their physical appearance and limitations. Familiarize yourself with the different types of zombies. Recognition will make it easier to assess the threat so you are able to properly defend yourself.
The Types of Zombies
1. Haitian Voodoo Zombies: These animated corpses are the most harmless type of zombies, since they don't generally try to eat the living. Controlled by a voodoo master, they may try to kill you if that is what their master wants. (DONATE to Haiti Relief!)
2. The Philosophical Zombie: These are every day people who have no sense of self or existence. They simply go through the motions of living and stop there. This breed many not want to eat your brains, but their thoughtlessness alone could be fatal.
3. Hollywood Zombie: Your most typical form of zombie, they move slowly and love to feast on brains. (Heidi Montag moves slowly and feasts on brains... or was it semen...)
4. New School Hollywood Zombie: Unlike their predecessors, the new school Hollywood breed of zombie move quickly and climb buildings almost as well as Spider-Man.
Zombie Appearance and Hygiene
- With the number of philosophical zombies out in the world, determining a zombie threat might prove somewhat difficult. Here are a few warning signs that should make it easier to distinguish a zombie threat:
1. Disheveled personal appearance.
2. Torn or severely wrinkled clothing. (Zombies don't iron)
3. Muddy clothing. (Zombies are too bad ass for coin operated laundry)
4. Unkempt hair. ( Zombie combs in low stalk)
5. Dirty fingernails. (Obviously the living include any and all Vietnamese women)
6. They may not respond when you try to communicate. (Just like your father when you told him you were a homosexual)
7. If they smell dead, chances are they probably were once.
8. Skin may appear clammy or even decomposed. (Zombies are too bad ass for Pro-Active)
9. They will often linger around cemeteries, especially those that have recently risen from the dead.
10. Staggering movement, much like someone trying to walk after both of their legs has fallen asleep.
Zombie Capabilities
- Since you're going to be battling and evading zombies, it's best if you know what to expect from them physically:
1. Most zombies will only be able to do things they were physically capable of before they became zombies, so you can rule out flying, mind-melding, telepathy and other extreme capabilities.
2. The majority of zombies can't run.
3. Some of the new school Hollywood zombies are capable of moving with incredible speed.
4. Night vision is a likely possibility, considering how easily many zombies get around in the dark.
5. They tend to have impeccable hearing.
6. Their heightened sense of smell will guide them toward fresh prey every time.
7. There is no evidence on whether their taste is altered, but they do prefer human flesh over the flesh of other animals.
Step 3: Fighting Zombies
- There may come a time when you will have no choice but to stand up and face the enemy. Here are some important things to keep in mind while fighting zombies:
1. Never physically wrestle a zombie. You will only wind up getting bit.
2. Anything you can lift, throw or swing is a potential weapon.
3. If you only have a blunt object, like a pipe or crowbar, aim for the head and smash.
4. Small objects, like butter knives, forks or even pens, can be lodged into an eye socket at close range.
5. Decapitation is an option if you are able to get close enough with a sword or chain saw.
6. When defending your hide out, put together an arsenal of homemade explosives from the stock of cleaning supplies. (Everyone out there operating a meth lab is in good shape)
7. Guns put distance between you and the enemy, minimizing your chances of being bitten.
8. Because fire is also a great weapon, use it to your advantage whenever possible.
9. Do everything you can to notify Armed Forces.
10. If all else fails, and you find yourself weaponless among a horde of zombies, you can try to act like one of them, but only long enough to get out of reach. Warning: This tactic is only recommended under the most dire of circumstances. There is no guarantee that zombie imitation actually works.

Step 4: Early Strategies

In the early stages of an outbreak how you defend yourself is going to determine how far you advance as a survivor. There are a number of important strategies to self-defense that may seem simple, but are equally important.

Remember: anyone who has been bitten by a zombie cannot be saved. It's only a matter of time before they turn and put your entire survival operation at risk. A zombie attack is not the time to get emotional or nostalgic.

Running

Running may sound like the simplest advice in the world, but when it comes to the traditional Hollywood zombie, it is probably your best defense. Since most traditional zombies move very slowly, run away as fast as you can, and never look back.

Hiding
- With zombies walking around everywhere, you're going to need to find a safe place to hide. The best hiding place is a place that's easy to defend and provides survival necessities like food, water, first aid supplies, tools and weapons.
- Good hiding places:
1. School or university buildings, preferably with a cafeteria.
2. The supermarket.
3. Shopping malls or department stores.
4. Superstores like Wal Mart or Target.
- Bad hiding places:
1. Shopping malls can be a dangerous hiding place because there are too many entrances to guard.
2. Basements, houses and garages are no escape zones.
3. A car to which you don't have the keys.
4. Any building that offers a way in and no way out. (eg. Casino's)
5. Elevators. Remember there are reasons they say to avoid elevators in an emergency. Consider Zombies one of those reasons.
6. Once you have a secure hiding place, reinforce it against attack and regularly maintain the reinforcements.