Nothing of Use.

The following links are not useful for anything, but I have personally spent hours just staring at them. Anything that's consumed that much of my attention deserves blog recognition. Enjoy munchkins.

Zefrank Scribbler : Scribble your impaired little doodle and watch this website make your chicken scratch sad excuse for a penis drawing a masterpiece you'll be proud to tell your friends you're associated with.

HevelticToc : This tells time. I have no idea why i like it so much. 

Screen Cleaner : This look just like my Puggers. 

Jackson Pollock.Org : This is so that you can make a pathetic half cocked version of a Jackson Pollock painting. 

Wonderfl : I honestly can't even tell you what this is. It makes you feel like a spider fucking up a tightly knit web and spreading lice around. 

Mr.Doob Lab : The experience of being on LSD. Like being stuck in a fishbowl of frozen water droplets. 

Rusty Rockets

My favorite twitter friend who isn't my friend is Russell Brand. He recently married Katy Perry who i like almost immediately after i watched her interview with Secrest on the Red Carpet at the VMA's, when asked what she had in her clutch she had only a lock of Taylor Swifts hair. Therefor I approve  of the marital bond, you're welcome. Here are my favorite Russell Brand tweets. 

If life gives you lemons, politely thank life, then, when life's not looking, throw the lemons into a duck pond.

12:41 PM Aug 13th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

@katyperry Erm,I thought a Shirley Temple sounded butch. What should I order? A pint of HEROIN!! A crack popsicle? Crack-sicle?

12:17 PM Jul 5th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.

7:23 PM Aug 16th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

In Brooklyn "showing off" for a job. Take that Grays School Careers Advisor- if that's your real name - which I doubt.

10:57 AM Jul 10th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Mum. Leonardo DiCaprio sneaked into my dream and tried to plant ideas. In other news I've decided to become a spy. Send condoms.

5:23 PM Jul 17th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes. #Iwantmymoneyback

2:10 PM Aug 4th via web

@katyperry Prop8 dropped! Now you can lose the wig, lipstick and frocks we can wed as a pair of Cali-hunks.

7:52 PM Aug 4th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Twitter doesn't recognise the spelling of the word "twitter". And this blackberry isn't a berry. And my rocket is rust free.

5:27 PM Aug 18th via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Courtesy Cards

They are the future... this is our future.

I love children, I'm really good with them -  i enjoy being with them the 10% of the day they aren't pooping, crying & ruining things. Though it's likely not ALL children are monsters, I don't personally remember destroying anything (except that i used to pull everything out of shelves...I don't like shelves.. don't trust them) & i know a handful of children who probably wouldn't be capable of the glimpse of parenthood below, but i know that my younger brother and sister are permanently banned from Bonkers, which should be a surefire representation of the kind of children they were, in fact growing up with them reminds me of my newest form of birth control ShitMyKidsRuined.com, lets communally review the extent of the damage of procreating in a segment called, "Things Children Destroy (other than your social life, sanity & standards of cleanliness):"

Your white sofa.

Your Persian Rug. Pretty Much just all of your furniture.

Your self-esteem. 

Your sex life.

Your Pet.

Your plumbing.

 

Your only mental escape.

Most means of communication.

See... told you.

Anyway, they ruin everything. Use condoms. 

Things That Illicit Fleeting Joy: Dans La Past 6 Months

This has been a rough 6 months, though i barely have anything to complain about because I have good friends, good family, a great job & I'm moving away to a beautiful new city to pursue a career in something i love to do, it's hard not letting the big problems in my life overshadow the good, the following is a selection of things that have made me overwhelmingly glad to be alive over the passed few months :  

"Eat, Pray, Love", Burts Bee's Lip Balm, Sudoku for DS, 

making jokes about the city wide slut fest: Stampede, Bliss' Sage & Lemon body lotion, 

Children's Lit, Leopard print glasses from Wal-Mart, 

Rereading Harry Potter for a class - feeling my inner 9 year old falling in love all over again, 

hot summer afternoons at the dog park walking Chasamus, sky blue nail polish, 

Phil & Sebastian Latte's, Naked Green Machine Juice, maxi dresses and mid afternoon naps

 Voga Wine, raspberries, spending time with family, 

helping people on their summer English courses, Peonies, 

Chase can now go on a walk through the neighborhood off-leash, 

the incredible greenery created by what seemed like months of rain, 

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Futurama (since it's been picked up again), 

Watching Lindsay Lohan's life fall apart, Weeds, blue eyeliner, Chloe perfume,

FFFFOUND , documentary's about anything from food production to corporate abuses, 

and my newest notebook.

Taking pictures of flowers, trying to catch people shoplifting- I'm like the shoplifting Bounty Hunter, 

Sally Hanson Nail Polish Remover Pen, vegan desserts/ cocktails, french bulldogs, Sara Barialles, 

reading out loud to someone else, MJUS shoes, craft night, having someone sing for me, Aussie Rules, 

Steel Magnolias, my Anne Marino sandals i bought when i was 16 at a market in NY, 

gigantic rings, Scategories - with your own categories, Disney movies, "the panty bag",  

and this picture of Santa's inbox.

This Cat & I Have a Message For You...

Last summer i went through a phase where I'd only watch Elizabeth Taylor Movies, but in an effort to keep my friends and families concern at bay, I had to stop running around the house in a silk house coat & curlers, toting around a martini calling everyone "darling". Myself & this cat who looks like Elizabeth Taylor, as inspired by the new Vanity Fair cover, would like to share with you OUR favorite Liz Taylor Movies, take it away Elizabeth Taylor cat:

National Velvet

A Place In The Sun

Taming The Shrew

Little Women

The Last Time I Saw Paris

Suddenly, Last Summer

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

Butterfield 8

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Elephant Walk

"Watch them or I'll eat your garbage and 

shit it out in your bed, daarrling" - Elizabeth Taylor Cat

I Hope You Drown.

So David sent me his favorite wiki article "Most Unusual Deaths" I picked my favorites from the last century & included some comments. I added this picture because i think these two most likely drowned immediately after this picture was taken. If you'd like to read the article it's actually really interesting read it HERE.

1995: A 14 year old girl, Ryan Bielby, fell 25 feet to her death while trying to exchange seats with a friend on the roller coaster the Timber Wolf at Kansas City's Worlds of Fun amusement park. (How shocking... 14 you say?)

1916: Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic, was reportedly poisoned while dining with a political enemy, shot in the head, shot three more times, bludgeoned, and then thrown into a frozen river. When his body washed ashore, an autopsy showed the cause of death to be hypothermia. However, there is now some doubt about the credibility of this account. Another account said that he was poisoned, shot, and stabbed, at which time he got up and ran off - and was later found to have drowned in a frozen river. (So REALLY he was engorged with genital warts and died from shock.)

1814: London Beer Flood, 9 people were killed when 323,000 imperial gallons (1 468 000 L) of beer in the Meux and Company Brewery burst out of their vats and gushed into the streets. (Can you imagine calling into work the next day after having been in that? "my entire body was submerged in beer all of yesterday, i almost drowned" a lot of people likely lost their jobs that next day)

1862: Jim Creighton, baseball player, died when he swung a bat too hard and ruptured his bladder. (You would have thought he'd know his way around a bat at that point)

1983: American author Tennessee Williams died when he choked on an eye drop bottle cap in his room at the Hotel Elysee in New York. He would routinely place the cap in his mouth, lean back, and place his eye drops in each eye. Williams' lack of gag response may have been due to the effects of drugs and alcohol abuse, and it is highly likely that Williams was high when the cap ended up in his throat as drugs and alcohol were found in his room and inside his body. There is speculation that he committed suicide or was murdered (even his brother Walter Dakin alleged this), but nothing has been conclusively proven. (This one i actually had never heard and I'm a pretty big Tennessee Williams fan)

1927: Isadora Duncan, dancer, died of a broken neck when one of the long scarves she was known for caught on the wheel of a car in which she was a passenger. (Puts away all scarves)

1981: Jeff Dailey, a 19-year-old gamer, became the first known person to die while playing video games. After achieving a score of 16,660 in the arcade game Berzerk, he succumbed to a massive heart attack. A year later, an 18-year-old gamer died after achieving high scores in the same game (& this is BEFORE W.O.W)

1987: Franco Brun, a 22-year-old prisoner at Toronto East Detention Center, in Toronto, Ontario, died after attempting to swallow and choking on a 6.35 cm. (2.5 inches) by 10 cm. (4 inches) by 1.27 centimetres (half an inch) Gideon's Bible. Brun reportedly had mental deficiencies and as such, the coroner did not label his death as suicide, believing that "the swallowing of the Bible to him was some form of symbolism or allegory as though he was trying to purge himself of the devil by consuming religion". He was only serving a 15-day sentence (Imagine the all consuming christian guilt that drives a man who was imprisoned after having too many parking violations, to physically eat the word of God.)

1974: Deborah Gail Stone, 18, an employee at Disneyland in Anaheim, California, was crushed to death between a moving wall and a stationary wall inside of the revolving America Sings attraction (...I loved that ride)

1978: Kurt Gödel, the Austrian/American mathematician, died of starvation when his wife was hospitalized. Gödel suffered from extreme paranoia and refused to eat food prepared by anyone else. He was 65 pounds (approx. 30 kg) when he died. His death certificate reported that he died of "malnutrition and inanition caused by personality disturbance" in Princeton Hospital on January 14, 1978. (Could you imagine his poor wife coming home to see that drama queen huddled in a corner? All thin and shivering like the anorexic Olsen twin? She was probably PISSED that he didn't even bother to come to the hospital to visit her.)

1947: The Collyer Brothers, extreme cases of compulsive hoarders, were found dead in their home in New York. The younger brother, Langley, died by falling victim to a booby trap he had set up, causing a mountain of objects, books, and newspapers to fall on him crushing him to death. His blind brother, Homer, who had depended on Langley for care, died of starvation some days later. (Who was he setting that booby trap for? Prowlers looking for piles of rotting old shit collected by deranged old men? That cat he bought months ago, given that his corpse wasn't hidden under that unfinished crossword from 1910?)

1974: Christine Chubbuck, an American television news reporter, committed suicide during a live broadcast on 15 July. At 9:38 am, 8 minutes into her talk show, on WXLT-TV in Sarasota, Florida, she drew out a revolver and shot herself in the head. (Ballsy. You are woman. Hear you roar.)

1982: Vic Morrow, actor, was decapitated by a helicopter blade during filming of Twilight Zone: The Movie. Two child actors, Myca Dinh Le (who was decapitated) and Renee Shin-Yi Chen (who was crushed), also died. (I like that the child actors were a side note.)

"I wish i could play little league now. I'd kick some fucking ass" - Mitch Hedberg.

Despite the fact that I'm soulless, black hearted, & ate a baby for breakfast today. I do enjoy an occasional bout of laughter. I'm going to use this space to feature some of my favorite comics. In alphabetical order.

Demetri Martin. I discovered the comic stylings of Demitri Martin when Sanja featured his show "Important Things" on her blog. (So I'm sort of STEALING) He's been called Mitch Hedberg with a guitar. The following few videos are among my top favorites.

"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades" - Demetri Martin

"Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal" - Demetri Martin

So I'm sort of stealing Louis CK as well, because apart from seeing him only once on Letterman, my friend David opened up my world into Louis CK's completely deranged stand-up comedy. I love his jokes about his kids.

"Go skate into an AIDS tree." - Louis CK

"Nobody ever calls her on her bullshit, that's how she got to be an asshole in the first place" (About his 4-year-old daughter) - Louis CK

"The pain in my shoulder is intense and it's sending signals to my brain like "You don't love her just drop her" - Louis CK

Mitch Hedberg. If you don't know who this is just stab yourself in the throat now because there's no hope for you. I'm not even going to write a fucking bio to tell you who this is, because hopefully if you didn't know after having read the first sentence I'm assuming you're dead by now. For those still with us, it took me awhile to find some Mitch Hedberg jokes i haven't heard yet, so here's one with the MOST jokes i haven't heard.

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but i used to, too." - Mitch Hedberg.

So i remember a few years ago, Russell Brand hosted the MTV Awards & soon after Forgetting Sarah Marshall came out (which i actually might have loved more than The Hangover), after all of this i still thought he was sort of unattractive and moderately funny. UNTIL i saw his show Wonderland, slowly but surely, his sexual appeal became incredibly clear. Didn't he marry Katie Perry or something? Did that happen? Here's his Comedy Central set in NYC

"Without fame this haircut just looks like mental illness." - Russell Brand

"Don't worry about having to applaud i hear it in my head constantly " - Russell Brand

"Here's a selection of my favorite death threats." - Russell Brand

Zach Galifianakis! You may recognize him from "The Hangover", but he's been doing stand-up for quite sometime, if you love him as i do, check out "Between Two Ferns", but i thought I'd JUST share his 20 minute Comedy Central set.

In Your Face! Viva La Vida!

Proust Questionnaire. Because I'm feeling elitist. 

Your favorite virtue. Sincerity, the certainly that you believe whole heartedly in every word you say. Given, a completely sincere individual wouldn't be terribly talkative, nor would they be an interesting cocktail party conversationalist. 

Your favorite qualities in a man. The ability to be comfortable in any situation. Men so rarely look comfortable. 

Your favorite qualities in a woman. Complete self-awareness. 

Your chief characteristic. An eye for the aesthetics. 

What you appreciate the most in your friends. Their frankness, their insatiable adventurous desire. 

Your main fault. Pride. 

Your favourite occupation. Bathing.

Some Lists.

Brittany's To Do List:

Stop drinking like a fish & focus on more enlightening activities.

Like updating your blog. 

You lush. 

Happy Late Resurrection Of Jesus

I never made an Easter post, so although it's incredibly late. 

Happy Resurrection Zombie Jesus, Thank You For Dying for Our Sins & Then Commissioning A Giant Rabbit to Break Into Peoples Homes & Hide Oval Shaped Food Everywhere So That We're Still Finding It Years Later, Which Makes Us Reflect On The Glory That Is The Long Weekend & That Time My Mother Threw My Sister Down The Stairs in an Effort To Win an Easter Eggs Hunt. That Was Awesome. 

Idolizing

I love Woody Allen, I've seen Annie Hall about billion times. I think he's so incredibly brilliant that i can even forgive his pedophiliac tendencies, & i rarely forgive celebrities for their indiscretions. Laura Bush Killed someone. Look it up. Anyway, here are a few amazing Allen quotes.

"She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak."
"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that, basically, he's an underachiever."
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
"Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love."
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there."
"I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year  for cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Zombie Attacks.

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  I recently read Pride Prejudice & Zombies. I've sort of got zombie fever. SHUT UP! It's better than scrawny teenage vampires who sparkle - fever... Here are some tips and tricks on how to survive the zombie apocalypse. Most of the info from [http://www.mahalo.com/how-to-survive-a-zombie-attack] with comments from me. 

  
  

  

  
  

  Step 1: Preparing for the Inevitable

  EVERYONE will probably laugh at you when they find out you're preparing a plan to face the living dead, but Benjamin Franklin once said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" Applying Franklin's advice to the possibility of a zombie outbreak will not only set you well on your way to survival, but you'll also have a chance to act like a know it all prick when your unprepared friends and family come running.
  

  Here's how you can make sure you're ready in the event of an outbreak:
  

  1. Study as much as you can about zombie outbreaks so you are able to recognize one as early as possible.
  2. Familiarize yourself with all of the local retailers that carry guns and ammo. (eg. Wal-Mart)
  3. Map the quickest routes to the largest nearby retail centers like a grocery store, shopping mall or superstore. (eg. Wal-Mart)
  4. Un-infested shopping malls and superstores like Wal-Mart or Target have potential for long-term survival for small groups of the living. 
  5. Since Zombies are easily destroyed by fire, keep an extra can of gasoline on hand.
  6. Scope out local shelters and know their entrances. (This includes neighbors homes)
  7. Get yourself a firearm and learn how to use it. - Remember the only way to stop a zombie target with a firearm is with a bullet to the brain, so practice, practice, practice! (On your neighbors... and people at Wal-Mart)
  8. If possible, stockpile ammunition because you're going to need a lot of it. 
  9. Put together a zombie attack care-kit that includes things like batteries, flashlights, condoms, canned goods, an emergency radio and first aid kit.

  Keep in mind that it's probably better if you don't mention to too many other people that you're preparing for a zombie outbreak. The last place you want to be during a zombie attack is locked up in a hospital mental facility. People infected with early strains of the zombie virus, Solanum, will flock to hospitals to find out what's wrong, and you'll wind up trapped in the eventual war zone.
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  Step 2: Know Your Enemy

  No matter what kind of attack you face it is an essential battle strategy to know your enemy as well as you know yourself. As the living dead, zombies are a unique enemy. People often make the mistake of not taking them seriously because of their physical appearance and limitations. Familiarize yourself with the different types of zombies. Recognition will make it easier to assess the threat so you are able to properly defend yourself.

  The Types of Zombies
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  1. Haitian Voodoo Zombies: These animated corpses are the most harmless type of zombies, since they don't generally try to eat the living. Controlled by a voodoo master, they may try to kill you if that is what their master wants. (DONATE to Haiti Relief!)
  2. The Philosophical Zombie: These are every day people who have no sense of self or existence. They simply go through the motions of living and stop there. This breed many not want to eat your brains, but their thoughtlessness alone could be fatal.
  3. Hollywood Zombie: Your most typical form of zombie, they move slowly and love to feast on brains. (Heidi Montag moves slowly and feasts on brains... or was it semen...)
  4. New School Hollywood Zombie: Unlike their predecessors, the new school Hollywood breed of zombie move quickly and climb buildings almost as well as Spider-Man.
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  Zombie Appearance and Hygiene

  • With the number of philosophical zombies out in the world, determining a zombie threat might prove somewhat difficult. Here are a few warning signs that should make it easier to distinguish a zombie threat:
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  1. Disheveled personal appearance.
  2. Torn or severely wrinkled clothing. (Zombies don't iron)
  3. Muddy clothing. (Zombies are too bad ass for coin operated laundry) 
  4. Unkempt hair. ( Zombie combs in low stalk)
  5. Dirty fingernails. (Obviously the living include any and all Vietnamese women) 
  6. They may not respond when you try to communicate. (Just like your father when you told him you were a homosexual)
  7. If they smell dead, chances are they probably were once.
  8. Skin may appear clammy or even decomposed. (Zombies are too bad ass for Pro-Active)
  9. They will often linger around cemeteries, especially those that have recently risen from the dead.
  10. Staggering movement, much like someone trying to walk after both of their legs has fallen asleep.
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  Zombie Capabilities

  • Since you're going to be battling and evading zombies, it's best if you know what to expect from them physically:
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  1. Most zombies will only be able to do things they were physically capable of before they became zombies, so you can rule out flying, mind-melding, telepathy and other extreme capabilities.
  2. The majority of zombies can't run. 
  3. Some of the new school Hollywood zombies are capable of moving with incredible speed.
  4. Night vision is a likely possibility, considering how easily many zombies get around in the dark.
  5. They tend to have impeccable hearing.
  6. Their heightened sense of smell will guide them toward fresh prey every time.
  7. There is no evidence on whether their taste is altered, but they do prefer human flesh over the flesh of other animals.
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  Step 3: Fighting Zombies

  • There may come a time when you will have no choice but to stand up and face the enemy. Here are some important things to keep in mind while fighting zombies:
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  1. Never physically wrestle a zombie. You will only wind up getting bit.
  2. Anything you can lift, throw or swing is a potential weapon.
  3. If you only have a blunt object, like a pipe or crowbar, aim for the head and smash.
  4. Small objects, like butter knives, forks or even pens, can be lodged into an eye socket at close range.
  5. Decapitation is an option if you are able to get close enough with a sword or chain saw.
  6. When defending your hide out, put together an arsenal of homemade explosives from the stock of cleaning supplies. (Everyone out there operating a meth lab is in good shape)
  7. Guns put distance between you and the enemy, minimizing your chances of being bitten.
  8. Because fire is also a great weapon, use it to your advantage whenever possible.
  9. Do everything you can to notify Armed Forces.
  10. If all else fails, and you find yourself weaponless among a horde of zombies, you can try to act like one of them, but only long enough to get out of reach. Warning: This tactic is only recommended under the most dire of circumstances. There is no guarantee that zombie imitation actually works.
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Step 4: Early Strategies

• In the early stages of an outbreak how you defend yourself is going to determine how far you advance as a survivor. There are a number of important strategies to self-defense that may seem simple, but are equally important.

Remember: anyone who has been bitten by a zombie cannot be saved. It's only a matter of time before they turn and put your entire survival operation at risk. A zombie attack is not the time to get emotional or nostalgic.

Running

Running may sound like the simplest advice in the world, but when it comes to the traditional Hollywood zombie, it is probably your best defense. Since most traditional zombies move very slowly, run away as fast as you can, and never look back.

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  Hiding

  • With zombies walking around everywhere, you're going to need to find a safe place to hide. The best hiding place is a place that's easy to defend and provides survival necessities like food, water, first aid supplies, tools and weapons.
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  • Good hiding places:

  1. School or university buildings, preferably with a cafeteria.
  2. The supermarket.
  3. Shopping malls or department stores.
  4. Superstores like Wal Mart or Target.

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  • Bad hiding places:

  1. Shopping malls can be a dangerous hiding place because there are too many entrances to guard.
  2. Basements, houses and garages are no escape zones.
  3. A car to which you don't have the keys.
  4. Any building that offers a way in and no way out. (eg. Casino's) 
  5. Elevators. Remember there are reasons they say to avoid elevators in an emergency. Consider Zombies one of those reasons.  
  6. Once you have a secure hiding place, reinforce it against attack and regularly maintain the reinforcements.
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