Some Sex Symbol for Your Monday.

I've always thought that Monroe represented some kind of marker in American history in terms of sexual expression and a tolerance for immodesty. Technically, Paris Hilton is the Monroe of our time, think about it: the baby voice, marketing themselves under the pretense that they're inept AND the awkward sexual promiscuity (which is both condemned and embraced). The only real differences were that: Monroe is timeless, [people forgot about Paris as quickly as they forgot about waterbeds... (that's a poor comparison, but seriously what happened to waterbeds??) TAKE TWO: as quickly as they forgot that Laura Bush killed someone.] and Monroe was actually- based on her older films, before the blond hair and the baby voice- relatively talented [Mind you i did see Paris Hiltons sex tape and if we're including blow jobs as a kind of skill... then maybe]. Anyway i could pay homage to Marilyn all day but I've taken far too much cold medication to focus my insignificant rambling to this specific outlet. There are ALWAYS people to annoy. 
Some of my favorite rare Monroe pictures

"I don't want to make money, i just want to be wonderful" 
-Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962)

Hands Off The Freak Show.

In some smutty celebrity news, everyone and their dog has probably seen pictures of Heidi Montags gross stone face by now, the girl had about a million surgeries so that she could ditch the vibrant young look for the sad slopped together remains of any other former starlet with an immobile forehead. She appeared on Ryan Secrest the other day to grace the public with stories of all of the completely unnecessary surgeries she underwent, 

Secrest: Let's go back to your breasts.
Montag: Haha great!
Secrest: No pain associated, right?
Montag: No
Secrest: But when you hugged me, you kind of hugged softly.
Montag: Well I'm very weird about hugging people now because I've had so much done that if somebody accidentally bumps your nose or your face...
Secrest: It falls off?
Montag: I'm very careful. I'm very fragile. 


She has to avoid human contact?! How in Gods name does she have sex with that slimy husband of hers? They must have to put a glory hole in the giant bubble I imagine the rolls around in at home. But seriously, it's pretty sad that at 20something she took apart her entire face and chest so that she could walk around looking 50 and avoiding human touch. 

Idolizing

I love Woody Allen, I've seen Annie Hall about billion times. I think he's so incredibly brilliant that i can even forgive his pedophiliac tendencies, & i rarely forgive celebrities for their indiscretions. Laura Bush Killed someone. Look it up. Anyway, here are a few amazing Allen quotes.

"She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak."
"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that, basically, he's an underachiever."
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
"Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love."
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there."
"I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year  for cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

SPANKY!

So my heart was completely broken when i recently found out the adorable child actor who played Spanky on the Little Rascals now works at Wal-Mart. He doesn't even work as like a waiter or a bartender or something... he works at Wal-Mart, like stocking shelves and greeting people with happy face stickers. WTF OBAMA! Fix the economy quicker! Give fuckin Spanky his pride back.

& Now For Something Completely Inappropriate

So it turns out prostitot Noah Cyrus, Miley Cyrus' (you know the really good role model?) little sister, is coming out with a new line of lingerie for children 0-12 years old. LINGERIE. Do children wear lingerie? Is that acceptable now? Between that and the Bratz dolls i think I'll go ahead and pickle my uterus now. Put it in a sparkly earn above my bed and sleep soundly beneath it. Without the pitter patter of a child size stiletto's marking up the hallway & shitting through the diaper thong. If you have doubts about the fact that every after school activity has been infused with a Lolita vibe... Here is a seven year olds dance recital that will make you want to mutate your genitals.

Dainty Little Things Sexiest Man of The Year

I've been getting into the show the Mentalist, I don't

know if i absolutely LOVE the show but seriously,

HOW good looking is he?!

How To Be a Role Model by Chloe Seviny

Thanks for the update on the status of your drug abuse Chloe.

Christina Hendricks Makes Me Feel Better About Eating Sugary Cereals & Starbuck's Pastries.

So I've gained about 10 lbs since August, & I've really beat myself up about it. Interestingly enough, i found that the bigger i get, the more i want to dress like Christina Hendricks. SO today i googled pictures of her Mad Men outfits & i found this picture of her (in a dress that I think i have to look into acquiring) + appropriate quote that made me feel a lot better.

After A Long Day Of Baking Infant Pie, I Threw My Scrotum Hat On & Went Out To Claw The Paparazzi *Sigh*

I think everyone knows how much i love, adore but most of all fear Lady Gaga (Who has a scrotum head in this picture... and also seems to be covered in flour or something, probably from slaving over a hot oven baking infants all day) ANYWAY so in the appreciation of miss scrotum heads mastery in the art of song writing.... or her mastery in having other people write bad songs for her... i don't really care to know... i thought "What would be better than Christopher Walken doing a reading of scrotum heads Pa-Pa-Pa Poke Her Face?" The entertainment Gods heard my irrelevant prayers PLEASE watch the video HERE it's really too good to pass up.

Rainne Wilson & Selma Blaire Make My Day

I'm going to start by saying that in my books (yes, i have books) Rainne Wilson can do no wrong.

So while internet stalking i came across this Gap commercial with Rainne Wilson & Selma Blaire,

it's the two of them acting out "Baby It's Cold Outside", Only imagine Selma Blaire doing Bing Crosby's part

Anyway it's really funny & it's definitely getting me in Christmas preparation mode.

Also, this is my first time posting a youtube video ON my blog, snaps for Brittany's impeccable power over technology.

I'm Going to Pretend That Hayley Mills is Lindsay Lohan & That Lindsey Lohan is Felicity Huffman... & that Felicity Huffman is Betty White.

Hell Low Neigh Bur.

Sunday night i had a dream about the movie Pollyanna. The one with Hayley Mills. Recalling how much i had enjoyed the movie i found the whole thing on youtube, but the "Also Recommended" section suckered me in and since then, I've watched: That Darn Cat, The Trouble With Angels & Summer Magic.

SO How much do we love Hayley Mills? She's the wholesom teen actress i wanted Lindsay Lohan to be... now Lindsay Lohan looks like she's wandered off from the set of Real House Wives of Atlanta.

Anyway, look for some of these movies, they're funny and heart warming and the perfect antidote from the immense pressures of having to read Greek mythology.

As a fun afterthought, in a dramatic lit class we were talking about the complication that exists among scholars in regards to the evolution of spelling in the english language.

For instance the word GHOTI is actually the word fish. Think about it.

Think: Enough, Women, Station.

We All Scream For Vaseline

Tyra Banks is whacky tacky, I always knew she was coo-coo for cocoa puffs but i didn't realize that she somehow brainwashed audiences into breaking there water over skin cream.

WWBDD?! (What Would Betty Draper Do)

So I'm obsessed with Betty Draper's Wardrobe. January Jones always looks so beautifully put together, her 50's inspired wardrobe is a stunning compilation of embroidery & high waisted dresses. EBRACE. As a side note, Mad Men is on tonight at 9! They don't even pay me to say that, if they did I'd own most of what's seen here. Enjoy fashion mongrels.

Hilary Duff Puts On Her Actor Face To Ruin My Monday's

So for what is easily the biggest tragedy on television this year, Hilary Duff has joined the cast of Gossip Girl. The acting on Gossip Girl is already incredibly poor, i can't begin to understand what the thought process was that lead someone to believe that Hilary Duff would be a good addition to anything. That's like putting glitter on a pimple. She always has this dumbfounded look on her face... it's her actor face. As of last week, i have boycotted Gossip Girl. I'll be happy to return to the show after Hilary Duff's big teeth and have been dismissed from the cast.

"I Don't Beg I Don't Borrow- I Steal"

I really like Scarlet Johanson, even though for some reason i hate her in every single one of her movies (I mean how seriously bad was she in "He's Just Not That Into You"?), i still try and find reason to like her. The good news is she has finally provided me with one. She's apparently a singer! She's actually not that bad, she has kind of an old world feel to her voice. She's collaborated with Peter Yorn (Who is one of my favorite artists) on an album called "Break Up". The music video for the song "Relator" (easily the best song on the album) is finally out. Check it out, see what you think.

Thanks Dolls.

Question: Do we think Lady Gaga ever wears a t-shirt and some jeans & goes to Starbucks?

Here's the thing.

Lady Gaga's VMA performance was kind of thrown under Kanye West's attention grabbing bus, and hasn't really been talked about in great length I've found. In case you missed it there were diamond encrusted bunny masks involved, at one point she pretended to be a quadriplegic, she sang in "man voice" the entire time (I'm guessing because it's more fun to have people guessing wether your a hermaphrodite or not than anything else) & eventually she had what looked like a surprise leak in her panties and spread it all over her face.

This should scare the living shit out of you. Why in the hell is this cool? I get that she's doing something no one else has ever done before, but there's a reason they haven't done it. Because it's gross & sort of terrifying. I don't know if stringing herself over the stage covered in blood was a metaphor for the kind of spectacle of a life she leads, or the exploitation that she's experienced or if it was a symbol for woman hood because we're supposed to believe that she's menstruating.

Either way. Just stop it.

The Sad Passing of Patrick Swayze

I imagine that, in real life, Patrick Swayze wore dance attire

& walked around muttering "No one puts baby in a corner"

RIP

Heidi Montag's Super Famous Now!

Ordinarily I am not at all bothered by the Pratt's quest to annoy everyone on the face of the planet, I've never chatted up some friends about the "lady of the night" clothing line & I was even on her side for the first season post Heidi - Lauren friendship, mainly because I think Lauren Conrad's whiney. (Yeah I watched The Hills, I was like 16 when it came out, coolest thing ever, whatever.) However, Given that i do love to watch beauty queens answer questions about global disparity, i happened to catch her first live performance ever on the Miss Universe Pageant!

Needless to say, it was completely mortifying and i was embarrassed for her. Again i didn't put much thought into it, I wasn't passionately outraged in regards to her inability to dance or even lip-sync properly.

(You can watch the performance HERE if you need proof that it was excruciating. )

The next day i was absorbing me some Anderson Cooper man candy & came across his take on the abomination of dance. I won't lie, i laughed about it but i still felt kind of sorry for her. I mean I'd agree with anything Anderson Cooper said, he could have reported that Heidi Montag was giving birth to the new Messiah and I'd send her a gift basket. I just felt bad because she obviously hates herself so severely, she feels the need to act out this painstakingly pathetic show in order to validate herself as a person.

(You can watch him talking HERE, I'll give you awhile to listen, put it on pause, stare at him... whatever you need to do)

BUT

Then i saw a part of an interveiw she did for The Aftershow on MTV with show host Jessi Cruickshank, in The Bahamas the day after Heidi's performance, with the "Pop Princess" herself and hubby Spencer Pratt. The following dialogue took place somewhere between delusion and low self-esteem:

Jessi Cruickshank : " So [now that the performance is over] who are the people that you feel like you're now on par with?"

Heidi Pratt: "Michael Jackson"

Spencer Pratt: "I mean, I was saying she's a modern day, 2010 Michael Jackson"

JC: "2010 Michael Jackson is dead Spencer"

SP: No, but I'm saying, here it is. It's living. Like the Holy Spirit. Like Michael Jackson's in heaven. The Holy Spirit now has extra Michael Jackson juice. So boom. For all we know, Heidi is possessed with some of that Michael JAckson divine spirit. You feel me?"

JC: "Do you think Heidi's going to be bigger than Michael Jackson?"

SP: "Oh, way bigger."

OH MY GOD.

THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL, EGOISTIC & DISGUSTING

HE HAS GOT TO EITHER BE:

1. On heavy drugs.

OR

2. On heavy drugs.

There are no other explanations.

Can you imagine Michael Jackson's children having to hear that some attention hungry hussy, lip-synching at the intermission of a beauty pageant is channelling your dead fathers "fame juice"?

Brittany Out.